Faggot... you say he's a faggot...

There's a big reason I love my job. The stories. There's stories I have I can't tell a lot of people because, well, they're a bit 'wrong'. This is one of them. This is the best one of them.

It was a Friday night and my girlfriend and I had been called to this job in butt-fuck nowhere. Expecting a farm or something perhaps a bit smaller, we were taken aback when we drove the 2km driveway to a huge mansion with three story pillars and a four story fountain with black Mercs and Bentley's surrounding it. This was not your ordinary farm!

As it happens, we were doing an event for a multi-billionaire and his lawyers and investors. He was a huge racehorse mogul, apparently. He was in his late-sixties if I recall and had enough money that he couldn't possibly care what people thought of him.

So after our show this strange old man invites us to have dinner with him. The food was made by his personal chef and delivered just for the party - couldn't we stay for a bit!? Normally I'd say no, but this old guy was so endearing!

He got out this giant bag of weed and passed it around to all his work buddies, explaining how he dried it in his dehydrator, etc etc. He poured me a limoncello, it was quite nice. So we went outside to this massive custom-made wooden table overlooking his grand estate filled with million-dollar horses.

Somehow during dinner it comes out that I'm Jewish. The old billionaire suddenly perks up and goes, "I have a song about you!" and he grabs his iPod and sticks it in the wall. Turns out he can plug his iPod into any room of the house via the wall and play music anywhere he wants as loud as he wants. So, of course, he chooses the entire house and 'loud' so the outside can hear it.

He picked the song Jewel "Pieces of You".

Oh you can see it getting better from here, can't you? At first I was unimpressed. Ugly girl, the lyrics said. He reassured me this wasn't the part about me. Pretty girl, the lyrics said. He assured this wasn't the part about me. I was offended. He laughed and said, "Okay maybe this part.. and the next part!"

Faggot, the lyrics said. And then this old billionaire stoner horse racing tycoon jumps on the super-expensive hand-carved table with his workmates surrounding him and decides, well, to sing. "Fagggggggooooooootttttt.....fagggggoooooottttt. Don't worry this part is not about you!" This old coot is singing into his joint and starts stripping off his suit.


"This is the part that reminds me of you! You say he's a JEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" and he puts the joint to my mouth - not to smoke - but to sing backup into! "C'mon," he says to me, "You HAVE to know this part!" Finally, he strips down to his bracers, undershirt and pants, swinging his more-expensive-than-my-car coat around while dancing around singing "Jewwwwwwwww!"

Afterwards he gets off the table and says, "You know what. I really like you. You should come up here every Friday! I'll give you one of my houses! And...and..." he searched his mind for something that could seal the deal, "...a Hyundai!" He seemed so proud! Wow, this was an offer I could NOT refuse! A house, sure. But a HYUNDAI? That was the best gift ever!

Of course the old billionaire was a bit out of it and kept rambling, "But... my wife wouldn't need to know! She's always out on Fridays anyway and she wouldn't miss the house... we have five of them anyway... but how to give you the Hyundai. Shit. I don't know. How can I give it to you without her knowing??!"

And his financial advisor speaks up, "I can rearrange your finances so she can never find out. I'll hide it!"

And the old billionaire exclaims, "Perfect! You see there! A house and a Hyundai and all you have to do is come over every Friday!" then he hesitated, thinking for a moment before adding, "...and stick your pinky in my bum!"

To this day I have got to say - the man may have been a wacky old billionaire - but he sure as hell knew how to impress a lady! And to think, if I had only taken him up on his offer I'd have a house and a cheap import car by now!

Faaaaaaggggoooooooottttt!!!