My liver is failing. I didn't want to say anything to everybody too soon, because it was just one test result - but now it's two. As of twenty minutes ago I was informed my liver is showing all signs of failure for some reason or another. I've been given a third emergency blood test and should know Monday what is causing this to happen.
I am not allowed any strenuous exercise. I am not allowed much at all. I've been ordered to not even go for my morning jog or eat anything with fat in it or even really do much other than stay rested as much as I can. I am not even allowed to work. Obviously, the MMA fighting is off for now.
You know what I am thinking right now? I am alive. Right now at this very moment - I am alive. I can feel the plastic of the keyboard beneath my fingers and that is wonderful.
There is a very small (but very real) chance I might die. There's a million things they can do before it comes to that, yes - but it's there. It's small and it's unlikely, but it's there. And you know what? So what. So I might die. I'm alive now. And there's really something to be said for that.
I am going to take each day as they come right now and I am going to be so very happy that I am alive for this moment - because life can be taken away so easily. And I suppose, that was the entire point of this month since Day 1, was to learn to appreciate that moment of existence in here and now and go, "Screw tomorrow. Screw yesterday. I can't change either one nor can I predict the latter - what matters is I am alive and here TODAY. I can change today."
I should never have had a Month of Living. I should have had a Day. Because each damn Day you're alive is a damn good one. The hard part is really never forgetting that.
Shitty news is shitty. :( But I do have faith this will work out a-ok. The liver has a great capacity to regenerate. I think it will be just a passing hurdle in life that makes one appreciate that life even more.... I think you already have that concept. :)
ReplyDeleteI have always been a person to live for today. My husband was a tomorrow kind, but I think he is starting to finally understand. I love reading your blog as you are based on exactly what you summed up in this one, and that's why I fell in love with you personality! I wish it was more contagious on others. :) I hope you are feeling much better soon hun! You will be fine.. I noes this! <3 <3 <3
Oh wow thanks Mon! :) I feel it'll work out in the end too, the rushing and carrying on by the doctors (and Glynn...) is so stressful! It makes me paranoid a little, I suppose! :)
ReplyDeleteYour compliments are so sweet! I wish I had met you much sooner than I did!!!!
QUOTE: There is a very small (but very real) chance I might die.
ReplyDeleteWell, hate to state the obvious however just for living there is a very small but very real chance you could die. I could easily die myself by stepping one foot outside my front door as such.
Or tripping down the stairs and breaking my neck. Okay, these are a bit far out and may not happen.. however... who's to say they can't ? Thus there is a very small but very real chance either of these things could happen.
Just by living we risk dying.
I had my mortality crisis back in 1995. I'm at peace with death. If it happens, it happens. I'm not scared of dying.