The Month of Living - Day 16

My liver is failing. I didn't want to say anything to everybody too soon, because it was just one test result - but now it's two. As of twenty minutes ago I was informed my liver is showing all signs of failure for some reason or another. I've been given a third emergency blood test and should know Monday what is causing this to happen.

I am not allowed any strenuous exercise. I am not allowed much at all. I've been ordered to not even go for my morning jog or eat anything with fat in it or even really do much other than stay rested as much as I can. I am not even allowed to work. Obviously, the MMA fighting is off for now.

You know what I am thinking right now? I am alive. Right now at this very moment - I am alive. I can feel the plastic of the keyboard beneath my fingers and that is wonderful.

There is a very small (but very real) chance I might die. There's a million things they can do before it comes to that, yes - but it's there. It's small and it's unlikely, but it's there. And you know what? So what. So I might die. I'm alive now. And there's really something to be said for that.

I am going to take each day as they come right now and I am going to be so very happy that I am alive for this moment - because life can be taken away so easily. And I suppose, that was the entire point of this month since Day 1, was to learn to appreciate that moment of existence in here and now and go, "Screw tomorrow. Screw yesterday. I can't change either one nor can I predict the latter - what matters is I am alive and here TODAY. I can change today."

I should never have had a Month of Living. I should have had a Day. Because each damn Day you're alive is a damn good one. The hard part is really never forgetting that.

The Month of Living - Day 13

I've been sick this entire month. I've come to the conclusion that, well, not living sucks! How can people do this crap every day of their entire lives? I'm going absolutely bonkers. I want to live! I want to go outside and run in sprinklers (okay I actually did do that last week) and eat delicious foods from random countries and try poisonous things and fucking LIVE damnit.

It's funny. I had depression. I'm talking clinical hospitalization, padded room with no toothpaste kind of depression. Apparently, when deciding the items to take from someone who may or may not kill themselves, toothpaste is actually rather high on the list. Death by toothpaste? Sounds minty. I was never bad enough to consider killing myself with a tube of toothpaste, so maybe I wasn't as depressed as I thought.

As it happens, sometime along my long and eventful life, I stopped being depressed and now... well.. now I can't see why I was so stubborn as to not get the fuck over it and stop being so damn whiney. I want to smack my 15 year old self for not taking advantage of the fun things that come with being a teenager in LA. Instead I moped that I had no friends. Fuck friends! I could use one of those 24 hour ice cream sandwiches right about now.

I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm soooo over it!

I'm currently drinking this liquid that, I quote the doctor, "Tastes less like ass if you refrigerate it first." She's more or less right. Apparently it tastes like this childhood Australian drink 'Robena'. People apparently also still give this to their children, though the drink was proven to have a billion false claims and caused a food revolution on proper labels and packaging, but I digress - Australian children just love grape ass! So I am sitting here, being a total rebel by drinking my unrefrigerated Ass-grape juice. Mmm, living! That's got to be it, on some level.

So I'm failing miserably AT living at the moment... but I gotta say, I'm not failing at appreciating living. The fact I haven't vomitted in about 3 hours is a cause for rejoice in and of itself.

The MOMENT I feel better, I'll be driving out to the Bush until I don't see anybody and I'm pulling over, putting a blanket down and meditating. I bet it'll be awesome.